By Kang Hyeok

The writer Kang Hyeok (pen name), 28 years of age, graduated from Susan College, Sinpo, South Hamkyeong Province, North Korea. He has stayed underground in China since he escaped from North Korea. Sindonga, a Korean monthly magazine, obtained his memoirs through Jeon Taek Woen (age 58) who had been a correspondent to Hong Kong for the Jungang Daily Newspaper. Even after his retirement from the newspaper, Mr. Jeon continued to collect news material on North Korean starvation and escapees. During this time, he met Mr. Kang through people who devoted themselves to the rescue of North Korean escapees in Yeonbyeon, China. His first interview with Mr. Kang was on August 13, 1998, ten days after Mr. Kang succeeded in his second attempt of escaping from North Korea. Mr. Jeon describes his impression: "His first word was revenge. He was trembling with hatred. His forehead was completely covered with a cold sweat. I said 'love' to him. I said hatred could not solve anything. My interview with Mr. Kang continued at my hotel until I left Yeonbyeon on the 18th of the month. He was so hot, like ceramics in a kiln enveloped in glaring flames. His urine was deadly dark like blood. Watching him gave me goose bumps. I wondered, when I saw him barely ascend the hotel stairs, whether he could survive."

Mr. Jeon persuaded him to note down his experiences for himself. Mr. Jeon visited Yeonbyeon three times last year in September, November, and December to receive and correct his memoirs. Mr. Kang concealed himself on December 23 last year to avoid the security police of China. Mr. Jeon intends to publish Mr. Kang's memoirs at the end of August this year under the title of 'WE'. Sindonga introduces the main contents of his memoirs in two parts, prior to publishing.

PART 1.
I was born in 1971 in the South Hamkyeong Province, North Korea. I was very happy in my early boyhood. I had three elder sisters, but my parents' affection was concentrated on me, their only son. My father's affection for me was particularly self-sacrificing. But even this happiness of my childhood days should be buried with the memory of hunger.

Potatoes were our main staple food. Whenever I sat to eat, the smell of water came up from my insides. Disgusted with potatoes, my stomach was always waiting for something new. On one occasion, I went to an orchard with my friends to steal apples. But, we were quickly caught by the old owner of the orchard. The first words I said when I was caught was "I am so bored with potatoes". These words took a place in my head for such a long time. There was nothing new to eat except for apples, so I came to eat apples. This was my excuse. I did not feel guilty stealing apples because I was too young. I had nothing but the desire to eat sweet apples.

The old owner of the orchard pitifully watched us for a while without saying a word. He gave each of us five apples, for which we stretched our arms in full. He told us to eat as many apples as we desired. We ate the delicious apples again and again and ran around the orchard with delight without thinking about the time. At sunset, the merciful old owner filled apples in netted bags for us. We ran to our village with the bags of apples. When we arrived at the village, I saw someone coming to us. It was my mother. I became stiff when I saw her cold eyes. I told her the whole story, but she thought that I had stolen the apples. She gave me eight lashes, one for each of my years. My calves became black and red. I cried myself to sleep but awakened at night. My calves were sore even while I was asleep. I furtively opened my eyes. My mother was applying red powder to my calves. My father was watching me worriedly. I pretended to sleep and heard what they said.

"I understand he is too disgusted with potatoes. But, as the proverb says, 'he who steals an apple will steal an ox'. I gave him lashes with a real resolution," said my mother. I could not pretend to sleep any more. I sat up and cried, saying, "I promise you mother, I will never go to the orchard".

The following morning, my father went to Sangbong-ri and came back with two packsacks full of apples. He was dripping with sweat, but on his face was a full smile. I was rather felt pressed than delighted at the apples. I was really grateful to my father. I cannot forget the sweet memory of the day when he came home with apple packsacks on his back and with a distinctive happiness all over his face.

"When my mother taught me to take the first step,
did she hope that I would struggle in a chain?
Tell me, tell me, this hard world.
Striking the ground bitterly, I ask again and again
without getting any reply from the world".

This is part of a popular song secretly spread in North Korea. 'What will my parents say if they see what I am now?' 'How happy would I be if I could go back to my early days?' Scared of prison and torture, dropped in a deadly dark valley, yet I am missing the happy days so much.

But now I am too far away from what I am missing so much. I occasionally awake during the dark night from a deadly nightmare soaked wet with cold sweat. There was, and is, and will be, nothing but death and fear all around me in the past and in the future. I sometimes fell down from hunger and disease, and had to step over the threshold of death. Meanwhile, I have lost all of my precious things. Now I am in fear of nothing. When I lost my precious things, all of my fears disappeared altogether. Now I can say what I have undergone.

I entered Susan College, Sinpo, located in the South Hamkyeong Province in September, 1993. The difficulty of obtaining food in North Korea had been serious since 1990. My childhood with potatoes was rather good. There was an increasing number of persons who did not come to work owing to the absence of food, and many persons struggled in the marsh of hunger. The difficulty of obtaining food became most severe after Kim Il Seong died in July, 1994.

My mother died soon after she was diagnosed with rectal cancer. My father had been a college professor, but he was assigned as the Director of the Foreign Service Affairs Bureau. He was a man of strict morals and never looked the other way. Other persons thought that the circumstances of my family were better. But in reality, my family suffered under the same circumstances.

When my mother was laid up with cancer, my father bought all kinds of medicines allegedly good for cancer treatment. I also went around to find medicines for cancer treatment, no matter how far away they were. As sincerity moves heaven, my mother survived four years and seven months after she was diagnosed with cancer. But as the proverb says, 'fortunes come single, but misfortunes never come single', my father died in February of the following year after my mother died. It was unbelievable, my father stopped breathing while reading the newspaper. I felt bitter against the world. I had to live resolutely. But difficulties were waiting for me everywhere.

Corn meal was distributed in college at that time and was no more than 120 grams. There were cases that even college professors were absent from their lectures owing to the shortage of food. The numbers of students who suffered from malnutrition and quit school were increasing.

In winter, it was awfully cold in the dormitory. There was no fuel to make a fire in the stove. We slept in winter clothes and socks while embracing each other for warmth in a room. The blankets were lousy. We tried everything to remove lice: washing and drying the blankets in the sun, washing our bodies in the cold river, applying disinfectants to the blankets, and the like. But all these attempts could not be consistent due to the lack of disinfectants and soap and the lice continued to survive.

The college required too much of us. They instructed us to bring them nails, all kinds of instruments, electric lights, wallpaper, and the like to decorate the dormitory. We had to save money to buy them in the market, while suffering from hunger. This was not the end. We went out of school to assist farming in summer. We had to work on farms until late at night. After this two-month farming assistance, we returned back to school and studied for a month. Then the 15-day summer vacation began. The circumstances remained like this until 1995.

The circumstances became worse from 1996. In the dormitory, we ate soup made of arrowroots and corn flour. You have to drink this soup at a gulp because it is too disgusting to eat. We went to the lecture room with a drought of water in our mouths after drinking this soup at a gulp.

It was not at all likely that we could listen to the lectures. There was only one idea in our head, "Is there anything I can eat? Where can I get something to eat?" It was useless to think about food, but we could not help it. What nonsense! Can you imagine that a civilized person suffers from hunger and thinks only about food?

Now, I have to tell about a student named Kim Sun Nyeo who was expelled from the college. She was my fellow student. It seemed that her living circumstances were very difficult. She entered the college first on the list and never missed the top seat. Although her school uniform was the same as the other girls, her uniform was always spotless and it was difficult to find any poor-looking appearance on her.

She looked depressed for several days, but I did not give much notice. Other female students complained of their hunger and quit school one after another. But she devoted herself to nothing but learning as if she had a strong purpose.

One day, however, she was unexpectedly brought to the 'criticism platform' in the public square by the ideological struggle committee for the reason of selling herself for money. I could not believe it. She had avoided even talking back to boy students who spoke to her. She had cared about nothing but books. I could not believe my own eyes when I saw her on the 'criticism platform' in the public square. The disciplinary committee of the college submitted her to expulsion from the school.

I went to her dormitory room and helped her pack. There was no exchange of words between us, but I finally broke the silence and asked her a question.

"Sun Nyeo, was it true?"

She looked me up and down for a while. With tears in her eyes, she dropped her head again without saying a word. I guessed that she had some secret reasons. She offered me a seat as if she decided to tell me something. She tried to smile before opening her mouth, but her smile looked artificial and sore. While packing her belongings, she began to talk to me about herself.

Her family circumstances were very poor. She said that she should not have even dreamed of going to college under her circumstances, but her acquaintances admired her clear head and outstanding school records, and encouraged her to go to college. She took the college entrance examination after all and had the honor of receiving the top score in the examination, but this made no difference in her circumstances. Her clear head and outstanding school records could not ease her reality. She had no economic support to endure hunger. She needed at least 1,000 won to keep on studying in college. (Owing to the difficulty of obtaining food, the national distribution system and price system became useless. Although unofficial, markets replaced them and the price structure was readjusted to a realistic level)

How could she raise such a tremendous amount of money? She said that she could not concentrate on studying with trivial thoughts. The dim candle on the desk was visualized as two or three by her because of extreme hunger. When standing up, she felt hot and dizzy. Malnutrition made her eyesight unclear. She was forced to the very edge of giving up her studies.

I could guess her circumstances. I was a student leader at that time. Thanks to my father who was in service for the Foreign Service Affairs Bureau, the students of my college could see new movies earlier than any other schools in the city. Movies were most popular at that time. Once we went to a movie in a group. Nobody wanted to miss the movie, but she volunteered to be on duty.

In the middle of the movie, I was thinking about the classroom. Nobody could expect when a thief might break into the classroom. I came out of the movie hall and went to the classroom to check that she was doing her duty well. She was concentrating on her studies with an encyclopedia. It was natural that she was outstanding in her school records. I felt relieved to see that nothing had happened. I spoke to her without having any intention.

"I heard that your family circumstances are poor. Don't you have any difficulty in studying?"

I asked her with good intentions. Many students quit school and the number was increasing day after day. She abruptly stood up and made a cool expression at my question.

"Can't I study if I am poor? How rich are you?"

I was embarrassed at her anger. I said I was sorry if I hurt her, but I could not understand why she responded like that. She was like an animal driven into a corner. An unlucky fate came to her when all the students were to participate in climbing a mountain. Rich students were busy for the event buying food at stores and preparing camping equipment. She had no money. The school event was useless for her.

She turned her back to the school event and went to the station to go to her hometown, but she knew well that her family circumstances would not be welcome to her. She was walking up and down restlessly at the station when Sim Cheol Su found her. He was under the economic support of his grandfather who was a Korean businessman in Japan. He was wasting money and leading a dissipated life in Sinpo.

He had an eye on her sweet body. He knew at a glance that she was tired of hunger. He approached her and suggested 1,000 won for a night with him. She stared at him with hatred. But he continued his temptation with confidence. While struggling against his temptation, she heard another sound from the depth of her. She had tried to go on studying even in the middle of hunger, but she could not repress her hunger any more. This might be an opportunity for her to continue studying. "This time only, ...". She felt dizzy and closed her eyes. She accepted his offer with silence.

Spilt water could not be gathered again. It was easier the second time and they continued to meet with each other. In the end, however, their secret was found out by his wife. His wife pulled out her hair and he laid all of the guilt upon her with bribery. For this reason, she was put on the stand of criticism.

Without giving a word of comfort to her, I looked vacantly out of the window. Strangely enough, I deplored my powerlessness rather than giving comfort to her for her misfortune. Although she was admired and respected by other persons in the past, she was finally dismissed by the society as a streetwalker. Of course, the act of selling herself for money deserves criticism.

She tried to go on studying in the middle of hunger. Who can blame her when she gave up her virginal purity for her study? But such an argument might be useless. Time passed in silence. I picked up her packed belongings and accompanied her to the station.
"Sun Nyeo, do not be too depressed. I hope you will go on with your studying. There is no rule for someone to study only at school. There are many grand masters who surprised the world through self-learning. I believe in your clear head. I am sure that we can meet each other sometime." I gave her a small recorder and 2,000 won. She received them with thanks and gave me a thick envelope.

She left and I came back to the dormitory. While reading a book under a candle, I remembered the envelope she gave me. I took it out from my pocket and opened it. I found a letter and 4,000 won in the envelope.

"Dear Mr. Kang,
I know now that we can neither see nor call each other.
You gave me the most beautiful memory in my life. The money is my expression of sincere thanks to you. Please take it.
I wish you success.
Yours sincerely,
Sun Nyeo"

I realized that we had exchanged our minds in silence with each other while studying in the same classroom. We might have missed the opportunity of sharing each other's true heart. After all, our relationship was broken off even before it became mature. In China, I learned a South Korean song. When I sing this song alone, I realize that my feeling to her was love.

"In rain, the Honam train for the South blows a whistle sadly. The raindrops are flowing down, my teardrops are flowing down, and my lost love is flowing down. In my twinkling faint memory ..." This South Korean song exactly describes the situation I experienced in North Korea. She left me, waving a white handkerchief out of the train window at the Sinpo Station.

We rarely had one day for study since the middle of 1996. Many students quit school. Furthermore, diseases such as the measles, paratyphoid, and cholera were widespread in many regions. A number of students in my college were infected by cholera. This disease drove the infected students into a dying condition and deprived them of their life at the end. On the other hand, the 'commander in chief' announced war or quasi-war conditions in succession. Although I did not know at that time, these announcements were intended to control domestic situations. The deeper the crisis of war, the more efficiently they could control domestic situations.

"We are under the same situations as in June, 1950." North Korean people were taught that since South Korea invaded North Korea on June 25, 1950 that South Korea would invade North Korea again. "Always be alert. We do not know when the U.S and South Korea will invade our nation."

These stereotyped slogans were repeated. At first, we were highly incited and strained. But as time passed, we became dumb and unconcerned. Rather, we showed rejection and discontents. "They always say that a war might be close at hand. But it has never occurred." "If I have to live in this way, I don't mind even if a war or riot occurs." Regardless of the people's starvation and poverty, the party put up leftist slogans before the people.

"Let's speed up the construction of socialism"
"The spirit of crossing the firing Nakdong River"
"The bitterness of forced march"
"The spirit of serving the Party and the Leader with death"
"The spirit of the undying bird", "The self-blasting spirit" ...

It was really suffocating. Some of the people were dying from starvation and diseases, and the others were shouting out slogans such as "for the perfect victory of socialism". They continually repeated "spirit". How many spirits do they have? What spirit can revive the wrecked reality?

I left the college and started on a wondering journey in March, 1997. I intended to come back to the college by July. We ran out of food and the college ordered us to dig arrowroots for food. We were forced to leave the college. This gave me the opportunity of learning more about the actual state of affairs in North Korea. But I expected little of the price that I would pay for learning about the reality of North Korea.

When the college ordered us to dig arrowroots, I thought it was good for me. I estimated that I could earn money or obtain rice in the markets for awhile. It seemed that I could make money if I bought meats in Hamheng and sold them in Hwanghae-do, or if I bought rice in Whanghae-do and sold it in Hamheong. In my careful thought, it seemed that I could make money and obtain rice required for my study until December when the winter vacation would begin if I traveled five or six times between the regions for four months from March. So, I bought 50 fish at 850 won, 17 won per head.

My plan was like this: I will bring them to Hwanghae-do and exchange them with 50 kilograms of rice. Again, I will bring the rice to Hamheong and sell it at 70 won per kilogram. In this way, I will be able to earn 1,000 won or more with a round trip.
I left for Whanghae-do with a bag of fish on my back. The day when I went to the station to leave for Hwanghae-do became the day when I quit school. I impatiently waited for my train, but the train arrived at the Hamheong Station 36 minutes after the due time. It was late one and a half days. The train was entirely covered with people the same as when Korea regained independence from Japan.

I saw a film that made a strong impression, in which a surging crowd of people made a rush on a train to their native country when Korea gained independence from Japan. The train that just arrived in front of me was also covered with a tremendous number of people, perhaps no less than in the film. The crowd of people tensely took their places even under the high-voltage cable over the train. The train was invisible, entirely covered with the bodies of people. The realities of life pressed down on me like a large whirlpool. It seemed that I was absorbed into the whirlpool. There were noises and disturbances all around. The train started to run with a whistle. I laboriously managed to take a place on the top of the train just under the high-voltage cable. This was the reality of North Korea that I faced for the first time.

The disturbance that I faced at the Hamheong Station was common at that time at any station. The cries of those persons who lost their belongings were heard from here and there. Their sounds were heard as bloody like that of an animal in the risk of being deprived of its life. The safety officer shouted for us to come down from the top of the train. But no one obeyed him. How did we take our places? We managed to take our places without hesitating to give our life. In general, we had neither an I.D. card nor a travel certificate. To obtain both the travel certificate and the train ticket, general residents had to earn money for more than one month. At the threshold of death from hunger, who would like to make money for a month to travel? We went up to the top of the train since we could not get on the train through the windows. Just one meter over us, a high-voltage cable went along with the railway. With even a slight touch of it, we would immediately die.

The train had no fixed departure time. It was common to delay departure two or three days. Even if the train departed, no one could know how long it would take to reach the destination. People without money had no other way but to starve until they reached their destination. In the event that the train stopped and did not move on the way for several days, starved persons put off their clothes to sell them for food. But there were few persons who bought them, because the circumstances were similar for every one.
It took four days for me to reach Haeju, Hwanghae-do. Luckily, I brought sufficient money with me, and did not have to sell any fish on the way.

I exchanged the fifty fishes for rice in Baecheon, Whanghae-do. The rice was a little more than fifty kilograms. I carried the rice bag on my back. It was heavy but I did not care. Again on the top of the train, I could come back to Hamheong in safety. I made 3,500 won in the first business trip. It was a great success. Again, I started for Baecheon. In the second time, it was easier to go up to the top of the train. Some people were sitting on boards. I did not know the reason at first. One of them told me that they would be safe on boards even if the train was affected by electricity.

It took about two hours by car from Haeju to Baecheon. I got off the train at Haeju and went to a wide road to take a car. People who were there for the same purpose as me were trying to take a car with two or three cases of China-made cigarettes in their hands. As it was common, someone got on a truck rashly without giving money or cigarettes to the driver.

"Hey, you have to pay at least the price of oil. Do you think I get oil without paying money? As you know, I must pay money for oil. Get off!" shouted the driver.
"Please give me a ride. I ran out of money after a long travel here and I have eaten nothing for several days. Where can I make money? Please give me a ride", said the crasher. After a short duration of wrangling, the car started for Baecheon.

It was perhaps March 17, 1997. On the way to Baecheon, five soldiers stopped our truck with stones and sticks in their hands. They deprived us of all that we had. There was even a major and a captain on the truck, but the soldiers did not care. We were so afraid that we almost couldn't take our next breath. We looked at the military officers plaintively for help, but they were also in fear of the soldiers. The law was far, but the fist was near. I put down my bag and gazed at them steadily.

"You are the People's soldiers, aren't you", said someone abruptly. As people acknowledged, North Korean soldiers were robbers approved by the nation. We looked, through our sweat brows, at the man who appealed against the nation-approved robbers.
"What? Who the hell is this guy? You are trying to die", said one of the soldiers. The soldiers rushed at the man and hit him ruthlessly with sticks. Then, they loaded him on the truck and threw him away from the running truck. We were all enraged at the scene and shouted, "You robbers, how can you do this and call yourself a man?" They knew that circumstances were going against them. They ran away.

The driver ran to the brave man, but he was already dead. We gathered around the dead man without saying anything. We looked at the military officers with anger and scorn. What is the use of the stars on their shoulders when they cannot control their inferior soldiers?

I was taught that the People's army should protect the people's life and property and render devoted service to the nation and the people. I was stifled at the soldier robbers, even though I had heard many times that soldiers committed robbery. Among the persons on the truck, fifteen were deprived of their belongings. Seven persons were deprived of their packages, and six persons of their money. They were crying from despair. The man deprived of his life was dumb. Nobody said anything.

My second travel to Whanghae-do was also a great success. I made a third trip on the 27th of the same month. The running train stopped on the way. No one could know when the train would move again. I stepped off at Sinseong-cheon Station. It passed fifteen hours or thereabout after the train departed Hamheong Station. My packsack began to be soaked with water that had leaked from the vinyl bag. After much consideration, I sold the fish to brokers in front of Sinseong-Cheon Station. I made 9,500 won from the business. It was quite profitable. I was waiting for a return train when a girl carefully approached me and said, "Excuse me, Mr., would you buy military uniforms at a low price? I will give you them at 900 won per pair."

She said she had ten pairs. I thought carefully. 900 won was a low price for a military uniform. I should pay 1,400 won to buy a military uniform in Hamheong. I followed her in thinking that I would compensate with the military uniforms for the fish I had sold at a low price. It took about fifteen minutes on foot to reach her house. She really had ten pairs of military uniforms for officers. I was delighted. I paid her the money for the uniforms and she carefully wrapped the money in a sheet of Rodong Newspaper. But she insisted me, with an unsatisfied expression on her face, to give her an additional 500 won. I could give her more money, but I had to keep the remaining money for my way back to Hamheong. She insisted strongly. I gave up the uniforms. "O.K. let's forget it."

She said she was sorry and took the money out of her bag and gave it back to me. I went back to the station and opened the door of the waiting room when I thought I was alone. I took out the money wrapped in newspapers, but the bundles were paper the same size as money. I ran to her house in a breath, but an old woman said that she was already gone.

I felt as if I was completely out of energy. I had no other choice but to go back to Hamheong. But it was not so easy. The later the train, the more people at the station. Furthermore, there were sneaky thieves all around. Many impoverished travelers faced those selling food at sharply raised prices. If the train would not arrive within the day, I would also have to starve.

The waiting room, and even the outside of the waiting room, was full of the crowd of people waiting for the train. I occasionally took a place in the corner, with my eyes wide open in a thought that the girl might pass. A young man was eating bread.

"Excuse me, man, would you give me some bread? I haven't eaten anything for two days. I am really hungry", said an old woman just beside him.
"I am sorry, but look at me. I gave my clothes for food," replied the man. The old women dropped her head without saying any more. At that very moment, someone shouted loudly, "Listen to me, is this the socialism we pursue? No other way but to sit and starve to death?"

All of the persons turned their eyes to the man. "How can he dare say that?" "How will he be treated?" A cold silence spread all around. He closed his eyes and did not move as if he knew his fate. Breaking the silence, a security officer appeared and said, "Hey, you, show me your ID card!"

The man took out his ID card and traveler's certificate and gave them to the security officer. But without seeing them, the security officer put handcuffs on him.

"Stand up and follow me," ordered the security officer in a short but stern voice.
"What is the matter?", asked the man in a calm voice.
"Don't you know what you said? What you said was the expression of your ideology. Shut up and follow me."

The security officer pulled him out. In the course, the persons in the waiting room were frozen with fear. A voice was heard from the information desk. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now punching the tickets for Train No. 3 that runs between Pyungyang and Keomkol." Delighted shouts were heard from all around as if nothing had happened. We took up our belongings and were ready to join the other persons in line when a chill voice was heard.

"You all there, wait a minute, I have something to check."
I put up my head. The security officer was looking coldly at us. He ordered us not to move. The man who sold his clothes for food said while putting up his package on his shoulder, "Please hurry with your business. We are busy." But the security officer's voice was cold.
"Do not interfere with the execution of my official duties. You all, follow me."

We waited for three days to take the train in front of us. In the event of missing the train, we could not expect when we would take another train. We explained our circumstances to the security officer, but he did not care. I had never dreamed that my fate would change at Sinseongcheon Station. That was the starting point of my escape from North Korea to China.

"You all, shut up. I have to check all of you since the reactionary words of ideology came from around you."
Oh, my God! We could not help but follow him, while grumbling at the man who said the reactionary words. The security officer took us to a branch office of the government. He interrogated us one by one.

"What did you do when the man said the reactionary words?"
"In what situation did the man say the reactionary words?"
"How did you feel when you heard the reactionary words?"
The security officer asked us a lot of questions, and we replied as we had seen and heard. He ordered us to take out our belongings and certificates. Then, he took us to a detention room. It seemed that he intended to examine our work places, addresses, and destinations.

But power failures were common at that time. It would take at least two or three days to examine all of the things. We would eat nothing in the detention room until all of the interrogations and examinations were finished. I felt a surge of discontent. Who is innocent if I am guilty just because I heard the reactionary words?

I truly ate nothing in the detention room. I felt suffocated and was almost driven mad. But the stern and cold security officer, concrete walls, and the iron bars didn't seem to notice. After two days in the detention room, we were taken to some other place. When we were taken by the security officer, people on the street looked at us. Although we were innocent, we dropped our head. After a thirty minute walk, we reached a building with iron doors and barbed-wire entanglements. It was the so-called 'traveler training place'. The security officer transferred us to the chief manager of the training place. I felt pent-up again. It was the first time in my life that I had been taken into the training place as a criminal. I shouted to distinguish between the rights and wrongs of the case.

"What crime did I commit? Isn't the training place for those persons who are unclear in their name and address and have neither ID card nor traveler's certificate nor ticket?"
"Your are more blamable than such persons. Your ideology is unclear", said the security officer with a bitter smile on his face. He threw a wet blanket on me embossed with ideological issues. I could not remain idle.
"Unclear ideology? If I am guilty just because I heard the reactionary words, you are guilty as well. You re-chewed them again and again beside us, didn't you?"
His face turned white.
"Hey, you shit. You mean that you are special. I must examine you completely. Come on, you shit. I will see if you can endure just half a month here. You will be turned into a corpse."
The security officer shouted with anger, but I did not stand back.
"Examine me as much as you desire. But you would be better to call the publicity manager of the Security Bureau in my province."
At the moment, his fist hit my face. I stumbled for a moment, but resumed my balance.
"Hit me as you like, but remember, you will have to detach the stars from your shoulders. Do you see this blood? This is not water", I shouted angrily.
It was non-sense to expect that the security officer would be in fear of a mere student, but he stood back a little at my gleaming sword of words.
"O.K. you have guts. You shit, I guess you go wild in reliance on your uncle. Tell me, who is your uncle?", asked he repeatedly.
I said the name. He turned back and went to the night duty room. He came back after awhile.
"There is no such person at the Security Bureau in Ham-nam. You misled me," said he, looking at me with glaring eyes.
He ordered the training manager to put us into the training place, then he went out.

I could not mitigate my boiling anger. We were treated like criminals just because we heard the reactionary words. I felt as if I were stumbling. The door of the training place was opened wide. The training manager explained to us about the rules and regulations that we had to obey. Then, he called the branch government office in front of the station.

"Chief manager, please send us more persons. We don't need old persons, but young and strong persons who can gather firewood."
What non-sense! We realized for the first time why we were there. They needed man power to gather firewood. Those persons were common at that time who traveled without carrying the ID card and traveler's certificate. They could pick up anyone at random. If they examined us, but found no good reason for our detention. Then they should let us go. Nevertheless, they took us to the training place to gather firewood for their convenience.

The reality was that, even if someone was hit by the security personnel without a good reason, he could not complain of the injustice. North Korea itself was a large prison surrounded by invisible steel bars. We realized the circumstances, but we had no way-out.

When I was examined by the Chinese Security Police after escaping from North Korea, I was deeply impressed by their polite attitude, generosity, and decent features. But our security personnel were far different from them. The security officer selected a control leader from among us. The control leader counted the number of persons to be provided with meals. For dinner, we were offered some corn flour and 100 grams of boiled rice mixed with sliced cabbage. We ate the food ravenously because we had eaten nothing for at least two days. After dinner, we were assigned to each room. Before entering the room, we were frisked again by the control leader. The control leader had an eye on my jacket. Jackets were very popular since Kim Jeong Il appeared in a jacket in a recorded film. But they were rare and few students of my age had them. The control leader called me out to a private place and told me to give my jacket to him. I considered it for a while. My jacket would be worn anyway in the course of gathering firewood. Then it would be better to win his favor with the jacket. I gave him the jacket with a smile. He was very delighted.

"Your are really generous. Tell me anytime if you have any difficulty."
He was also caught by the security officer just like me. He had no authority. It seemed that he was very sorry for taking my jacket. Since then, he tried much to help me.
For several days, we soothed our hunger with a few spoons of boiled rice and did hard work gathering firewood. We were worn out. My hands were covered with blisters. Just a slight touch made my hands smart. One day, I spoke to a little fellow worker who was familiar to me.

"I am afraid I ca not get out of here, unless my brother comes here to help me," I said with a sigh.
"Why not? Just run away," replied the fellow worker immediately. I thought it would be possible. I discussed running away with the control leader. He listened carefully and told me to give him a little time. He promised that he would give me a sign when a chance would come. The security officer kept a strict eye on us, but a chance came at last.

During a lunch break, the security officer drank two bottles of liquor. Yawning on a desk, he told the control leader, "Keep a good watch over the workers. You know how you will be treated if anyone is found missing."

He fell asleep. I exchanged glances with the control leader. It was a good chance. The control leader told the other control men to rest. Then he called out several workers including me and told us to follow him to bring some cut trees from the mountainside. We totaled five including the control leader. It was when we had almost reached the mountainside that we heard a sharp voice from behind.

"Where are you going? Why are you here?"
We looked back. The security officer was coming up just behind us with a pistol in his hand.
"Pshaw! You are trying to run away! I already knew your plan."
We learned later that someone had informed him of our plan. The safety officer pretended to dream to give us a chance knowingly. As it were, he intended to arrest us on the spot when we were trying to runaway. Our future looked hopeless. We would be tortured half to death and taken into a prison. He approached us and ordered us in a bloodthirsty voice.
"Clasp your hands and put them on your head! Kneel down! Hurry!"
We all kneeled down. I gave up and just prayed for a miracle.

My God, a miracle really happened. The safety officer stepped on a snake while approaching us. He was startled and stumbled on his back. It was a real chance. We all got up and began to run away. The firing sound spread into the air. We reached the top of the mountain within a flash. Within thirty minutes, safety officers would be present all around. I shook hands and exchanged addresses with the control leader. We had no time to make any promises. We began to run in opposite directions.

If my child days were like a star blinking in the calm night sky, my college days were like a road during a rainy night with whirlwinds and dust. I came back to my house after all kinds of hardships. It was five days after I had started on the business travel. But I became out of my mind when I found out that my belongings had been stolen. There were shoeprints here and there.

As the night advanced, I felt angry at the thought that I was alone in the empty room. I was alone, neither parents nor any other person around to help me. I was overwhelmed with grief and could not sleep. I did not know what I should do to live. I felt as if I was on a vast plain. I began to sing a song in a low voice.

"My fate was perhaps born with poverty.
The road in front of me is full of tears and thorns.
Tell me, tell me, this bitter world.
Biting the ground, I cry without having any reply from the world.
I can endure hunger by clenching my teeth.
But how can I bear the insult and scorn
that I receive because I have no money?
Tell me, tell me, this heartless world.
How can I bear the insult and scorn
that I receive because I have no money?"

I repeated the song again and again in a low voice. I realized fully for the first time that the song expressed none other than the circumstances of our age. Reportedly, the Security Bureau chased the composer of this song to the end and killed him. People said that he was a talented composer. He turned his feelings into the words of songs in a moment, and made several songs in just a day. His underground songs were popular among students.
A few days after I had come back to my house, a leader of the people visited me. He said that the branch government office wanted me. I was afraid that the training place might have given notice to the branch government office.

The next day, I went to the branch government office. As I expected, the travelers training place in front of Sinseongcheon Station already informed the responsible resident official of my name and address. The resident official said that I had to receive so-called 'labor training' for at least six months. I went to the security manager in the region. I explained to him in detail about the situations in which I had been placed. He listened carefully and told me to wait at home for a separate notice. The next day, I was told by a notice to attend the labor training corps in the region. But luckily enough, six months were reduced to ten days. Ten days in the labor training corps were a hard time for me, but my experiences there was a mixture of comedies and tragedies.

Various criminals attended the labor training corps, such as thieves, absentees from work, unemployed persons, assaulters, impostors, robbers, rapists, prostitutes, etc. In general, those persons whose crimes were not cruel in nature were transferred to the labor training corps rather than to prisons or reformatories. But the distinction was not strict. In many occasions, those persons who should be sent to prisons or reformatories attended the labor training corps. There were also those persons who had stolen agricultural products owing to hunger.

We attended the labor training corps at six in the morning. Around seven-twenty when common people came out on the street to go to work, we marched along the street with measured steps singing such songs as "Let's Protect Socialism" and "I Like My Country Best". It was real fun for passerbys. If a trainee was absent, we were told to march to his house and sing the song "Let's Protect Socialism" in front of his house. It was intended to disgrace him. All his neighbors and children surrounded and watched us with amusement.

Work at the labor training corps was very hard. No one can imagine the pains. While being troubled with the pains of labor, the trainees promised not that they would not commit a crime again, but that they would not be caught again. Ten days passed. I thought I was not guilty. I attended the labor training corps even though I was not guilty, but I felt ashamed when I went out to the streets. No one would bring food to my room.

I asked my sisters for help. They gave me some money. I decided to go on a business trip to Sinyju. People said that I could make a good profit if I would buy edible fruits and exchange them for corn powder at Sinyju. I started for Sinyju on the 20th of April in the same year. When I arrived at Sinyju with edible fruits, circumstances were different from what I had heard. There were robbers, thieves, and swindlers all around. They conspired with security officers and robbed persons of their belongings. They went half-and-half with the security officers for those things stolen. They carried knives for self-protection.

The security officers sometimes caught a merchant without a good reason and attacked him for being non-socialistic. Then, they deprived him of everything. Otherwise, they reproached him for coming into the border region. I was caught by them as well and deprived of my edible fruits. I could not help it. But it was consoling that I was not deprived of 9,000 won in my inside pocket.

Stations were the same everywhere. No one could expect when the train would arrive. The station was crowded with people all around. It was like the scene in a film where a tremendous number of commandeered or recruited persons came back from Manchuria after Japan was defeated in the Second World War. In front of food stores at the station, there were several beggars. They kept their eyes on the food and were always ready to snatch it. Beside them, little boys and girls were driveling and sucking at their fingers.
Fatigue and hunger naturally brought me to a food store. Food sellers tried to attract persons to their own food stores. I paid 20 won for a bowl of boiled rice and a cake of bean curd. It was just when I began to eat the food that I felt something strange behind me. I looked back and found a girl standing behind me.

"I am eating. Why are you standing behind me of all people?" I asked with a smile.
She showed no response. I looked at her carefully. Sunken eyes without focus, chapped lips, sunken cheeks, ... I felt pitiful for her. I bought another bowl of boiled rice and bean curd for her. Without saying a word of thanks, she began to eat greedily. My hunger was gone. I gave even my food to her, disregarding the food vendors looking at me as if I was strange. She ate all of the food in a moment. I could not believe my eyes at her eating speed. She still did not say a word of thanks to me.

The dignity of a human being did not exist. What dignity can exist under starvation? It seemed that she had eaten nothing for a long time. After a little while, she said "Thanks" in a low voice as if she came back from the absence of her mind.
I bought some bread and rice cake and headed toward the station to find a place to sleep. She came near me.
"You have no place to sleep, do you? I guess you came from another region," said she hesitatingly. I nodded. She told me to come with her. I looked at her carefully with a smile. Although her face was dark and skinny, she did not look like a fraud or swindler. Her name was Yeong Sun.

"South Sinyju is at a distance of ten kilometers from here. My aunt lives there. If you do not mind, you can stay there for a night," she said.
I suddenly remembered the moment when I was deceived at the Sinseongcheon Station. I looked at her again carefully. Although her skinny face and dirty clothes made her humble in appearance, they could not cover her good nature.
"I would be very pleased," I said with thanks.

We headed for South Sinyju at a slow pace.
"I guess you were very hungry," I said in a passing word. But I felt, even in the darkness, that she was very ashamed. I regretted saying that. "I really thank you for your kindness."

She told me about her past circumstances. She lived in Saroweon. She had lived alone since she lost her parents in 1995. She worked at a city construction field during the daytime and sold bread during the night with several girls who shared her same circumstances. Working at the construction field was not enough for her to make a living. As a side job, she began to sell bread. She bought bread at 4.50 won per slice and sold it at 5 won. Travelers expected that the train would arrive as early as possible, but she expected that the train would arrive as late as possible, so that she could sell more bread.

She could make no more than 20 or 30 won a day. She sold bread until one o'clock in the morning. After sleeping for two or three hours, she had to go to the construction field. When the construction field ran out of materials, she went to a corner to sleep immediately. But a groundless rumor was spread. Workers at the construction field thought that she sold herself for money. Someone saw her at the station when she was smiling to sell bread, and he spread the rumor.

The rumor followed her like a shadow wherever she went. She would like to throw away her bread basket only to die. But it was not easy. She thought, "If I throw away this bread basket, who would feed me?" She had no other choice but took the bread basket and sold bread at the station.

As days passed, it became more difficult to sell bread. She was criticized at the construction field for being non-socialistic every month. At the end, she gave up her job at the construction field and came to Sinyju where no one knew her. She had stayed at her aunt's ever since. But she ran out of business funds. She went to Jeongju City because she had heard from someone that she could find some work there to earn money. As in any other region, it was not easy to find work. She had eaten nothing for two days and had just came back to Sinyju when I met her at the station.

Those persons who were well nourished and had eaten good food in childhood would not have much physical difficulty even if they ate nothing for several days. They can endure only with a cup of water or milk for several days. But the circumstances of the North Korean residents are different. They are always underfed. They cannot endure hunger because they do not have any source of energy in their body.

We reached South Sinyju, talking about this and that. She took me to an old hut. I could not believe that someone dwelled in the house. Even in the darkness, I could see a lot of cracks on the walls. The house was as if it would fall down just at a breath.
"Aunt, please open the door."
A woman came out. She looked about forty. The girl introduced me to her briefly, and we entered the house.

I was sitting for 40 or 50 minutes, worrying about my future. Two girls looking in their twenties entered the room, each carrying about 3 kilograms of corns in their hand. They saw me, a stranger, and spoke to each other in a low voice. All of the persons in the room were females except me. I felt strange and uneasy. The woman tactfully spread a blanket and told me to lie down to sleep. With a word of thanks, I lay down and stretched my legs. I fell into sleep, but was awakened in darkness after a while when they talked in a whisper. My ears naturally headed toward the whispers.

"You know, there were a lot of persons like us who wanted to sell their blood. But how can we find the channels for selling blood when the blood buyers contact people secretly to avoid the security officers?" said Yeongsun with a sigh.

I already heard that there were a lot of girls who sold their body and blood for money. It became more common since 1995 when circumstances were getting worse and worse. The girls intended to sell their blood for business funds. I felt pity for them. Their whispering conversation continued for a while. Then an urgent voice was heard from outside, calling "Sister Eun Wha". I guessed one of the two girls was "Eun Wha". A little boy came into the room. Everyone but me got up.

The boy was black like a crow. He had a thin neck and his black skin rarely covered his bones. But his two eyes were clear and vivid.
"Sister Eunwha, Euncheol is dying. Let's go to him. Hurry!" gasped out the boy.
"What's the matter? What happened?", asked Eunwha urgently.
I was still lying down. They did not pay attention to me. I guess they thought I was sleeping.
"Hurry, I have no time to explain," pressed the boy.
All but myself and a woman went out. After a while, I fell asleep again. It was eight o'clock in the morning when I woke up.
"What time does the train for Chengjin arrive at South Sinyju?" I asked the woman.
"There is no fixed time. Ask Yeongsun when she comes back," replied the woman uninterested.

I put on training clothes and went to a small market which was a little distance from the house. I came back with some bread to the house. All of the girls were there. Yeongsun and another girl were soothing Eunwha, who was sitting and shedding tears as if she was out of her mind.
"What happened?", I asked.
But no one replied. After a long time, I found out the circumstances from Yeongsun.

Eunwha and Euncheol were sister and brother to each other. They lost their parents in their early childhood. When they ran out of food, they hugged each other and cried looking over the dark sky day after day. One day, they came to Sinyju in hope to fill their hunger. Their only hope was the corn train from Dandong City, China. Euncheol made their living by stealing corn from the train. Whenever the corn train came from China, thousands of thieves gathered from different regions of North Korea. Euncheol became one of the thieves. The thieves knew exactly the time when the corn train came. When the train arrived, the thieves crawled under the train to steal corn. If the train did not come, they had to starve all day long. For this reason, Eunwha tried to sell her blood to make business funds. While trying to get information on the channels of contact with Chinese blood buyers, she came to know Yeongsun who was in the same situation as her. After a while, they became friendly with each other like sisters related by blood.

The night before, Euncheol crawled under the train to steal corn but he was caught by a security officer and hit on his head with the butt plate of a gun. He died early this morning. There were a lot of persons who died an unnatural death like him. Eunwha was sitting for a long time as if she was out of her mind. I went near her and said
"I am sorry to hear about your situation. Take this bread," I said while holding some bread out to her. But she showed no movement, she just gazed forward with an absentminded look on her face. I took out a case of China-made cigarettes and smoked. It was the second time I had ever smoked. I smoked for the first time in my life when Sunyeo Kim left me.

I could not know when my train would arrive. I missed two trains. I decided to wait at the station so as not to miss the third train. Without having anything to do, I was playing with cards at the station.

"Brother, may I ask you a favor?" asked Yeongsun. She called me 'brother.' It seemed that she felt friendly towards me after awhile.
"What is it?" I asked. I went on playing cards without raising up my head.
She wanted me to stay with her. According to her, she used to buy corn when the train came. She sold it in the market. But on the way, her corn was frequently snatched by boys. She needed a man to protect her. This was the reason she wanted me to stay with her. I thought about what I should do. I did not want to go out at night to protect her. But I wanted to see how thieves stole corn from the train. I also wanted to help Yeongsun and Eunwha.
"O.K. I will stay with you"
She became very delighted. Eunwha ate nothing for three days, after which she began to speak and eat a little.

One night, we went to the station. It was around two a.m. I put on shabby clothes and followed Yeongsun with a flash lamp in my hand. The train already arrived at the station twenty minutes before we were there. The train had twelve corn cars, and five armed security officers were keeping watch to protect the corn cars. They were flashing lights here and there. I could not believe it would be possible to steal corn under the situation. After awhile, however, I doubted my eyes when I saw hundreds of thieves attacking the corn cars in a moment. I could not know from where they appeared. The armed officers were invisible among them. The thieves crawled under the cars and broke open the bottom of the cars with tools. They caught the corn that was flowing downwards in their bags. Surprisingly, there were girls, women, and even old persons among the thieves. They looked resolute as if they were fighting on the battlefield. They stole the corn at the risk of their life because they starved to death if they missed the train.

Yeongsun and Eunwha were sitting in a corner. After a while, the girls began to bargain with the thieves to buy corn. Their purpose was to buy corn at a low price from the thieves and sell it in the market at a higher price. Their bags were almost full, when a group of boys came near to the girls and surrounded them.
"Hey, girls, show me your corn," said one of the boys, putting his hand in the bag before Eunwha.
"Stop it!" I said.
I approached the boy, flashing my light on him, and struck him with my flash lamp. He fell down in a moment. Looking at him absent-mindedly, other boys ran away. The boy who fell down stood up and also ran away without looking back. They perhaps guessed wrongly that I was a security officer.

If they had attacked me together, I would have been no match for them. What luck! We took the bags on our shoulders and walked along the road. Morning was already coming. On the way, I saw a number of black things moving far away from us on the road. They were people. Black-faced beggars were roasting corn kernels that they had seemed to have stolen the night before. They exceeded approximately 200 persons. They seemed like crows. My steps naturally headed toward them.

As I approached, the soot and smoke of the rubber fires became thick. Several persons were blowing air with their mouth to make a fire. Coughing and groaning sounds were heard from here and there. The disgusting smell caught my nose. The place seemed to have been originally used for cement storage. They called the place 'crow house'.
I approached a beggar who was groaning. He seemed as if he was waiting for death. Although he was breathing, he was almost a corpse. Indeed, no human body would distinctively reveal the shape of bones just like him.

Yeongsun pressed for me to go along immediately. I borrowed 60 won from Yeongsun. I went to buy something for him and came back with some bread and candies. I put them beside the beggar with two kilograms of corn kernels. He looked at them with his focus-less eyes, but closed them. His eyes reminded me of Yeongsun's when I saw her for the first time. The eyes did not contain the thoughts of this world any more.

"Brother, persons like him are countless. Your sympathy for such persons would attract no admiration from others," said Yeongsun. She seemed to be discontent with my sympathy for the beggar. I smiled and stood up to go. We arrived at Yeongsun's aunt's. I gave 100 won to Yeongsun saying, "This is the money I borrowed from you. Keep the extra change"

I gathered up my belongings to go to the station. I thought I would not be able to leave Sinyju if I had stayed there any longer. Yeongsun and Eunwha caught me and asked me to stay with them a little more, but I could not stay. I had to go to school four or five days later. Furthermore, I had spent almost 3,000 won while I was there. I could not delay my way back any more. Reluctant to part from me, the girls accompanied me to the station. At last, my train was coming in covered with people. I again went up to the top of the train. Even on the top of the train, persons were sitting densely, like feathers on a bird.

The security officers kept blowing whistles in an attempt to bring down the persons from the top of the train. But the passengers held fast to their place like the crust of overcooked rice and showed no motion to come down.

One security officer approached a woman who was embracing four sacks of wheat flour as if they were her sons. Instead of telling her to go down, the security officer deprived her of the sacks and threw them down from the top of the train. He seemed to think that she would go down to take the sacks.

The whistle blew and the train started to slide forward for departure. The train began to speed up. At that moment, a screaming sound overwhelmed the sound of the train. The woman's eyes turned white and she began to scream. Then, she abruptly stood up. The next moment, we saw a real hell. She seized the security officer with one hand, and the high-voltage cable with another hand. It seemed to take no more than 0.001 second.
"Bang!"
A flash passed before my eyes with an exploding sound. Twisting their arms and legs, the two persons were tangled together in the air for a while, then fell off from the top of the train together with a few other persons. The train went on running as if nothing had happened.

I thought I would arrive at Hamheong only if the train would keep on running at the same speed. But I felt something strange in my body. I felt heat on my face. My body began to shiver. I could not move. I became worried. "Fever or paratyphoid?"

Misfortunes never come singly. The train stopped at Jeongju Station and did not move. No one could expect when the train would leave. Clenching my teeth to endure the pain, I rarely went to the waiting room of the station. The waiting room was full of people. I flopped down on the concrete floor and lay down, embracing my bag firmly. Then, I lost my consciousness. It seemed that my consciousness faded in and out for a while.

When I recovered consciousness, I found that my bag was gone. All of my belongings and money were gone altogether, leaving just a strand of life within me. I felt someone carrying me on his back. He took me to the Jeongju People's Hospital, then he disappeared. I knew neither his name nor his address, nor even his face. I really felt thankful to him.

It was a hospital in name only. The hospital had little medicines. It was no more than an inn where patients stayed for a while. I was almost a beggar in appearance. Doctors did not even cast a look at me. I was losing vigor and dying. I could not eat or drink a drop of water. I was startled at my face in the mirror. I truly felt that I was dying. Everyone who saw me said that I would die within two or three days. Doctors were unwilling to give me even an injection of dextrose because I was deemed to die. My spirit was parting from me, leaving just a skinny body.
"Drip! Drip!"
""Thump! Thump!"
Clear sounds were heard from somewhere in darkness. My consciousness was coming back with the sounds. They were drops of water. The sound of water drops knocked on my ears and awakened me. I felt myself groaning in a little voice.
"Water please, water please"
I felt very thirsty. I crawled with all my energy toward the side where water drops were heard. I went over an object without knowing what it was. But another object interrupted me. I concentrated my mind and opened my eyes wide. It was a corpse. Without being covered with anything, there were a series of corpses lying side by side. I was in a mortuary. Am I dead? Am I dreaming?

I turned my body and crawled toward the door. I hit the door with all my strength, but the door made little sound. The hospital was a two-story building, and the mortuary was on the 2nd floor. The director of the hospital was passing the door by chance with a junior secretary.

"Don't you hear anything from inside the room", said the director. He told the secretary to open the door and found me lying near the door. They took me to the first-aid room and gave me an injection of glucose. They brought me back into the world from the threshold of death.

I was recovering little by little. One day, my sister came to the hospital. The director seemed to have sent a telegraph to her for me. The director was also one of the good-natured persons I had met in the hard world. I had traveled to make school and living expenses, but came back only with the hard realities of North Korea. The travel was a nightmare-like pilgrimage. I saw many people dying, and I myself was almost dead. I still sometimes hear the water drops that awakened me from the depth of death. I am sometimes startled to wake up in darkness by the sound of the water drops, with cold sweat all over my body.

Was I in the same place I had traveled. Where now are all the values and orders that I trusted and thought righteous in the past? I experienced the realities of starvation and death wherever I went. The ideas, ideology, and policies of the communist party were falling down one by one in my mind through awareness of the realities. Should I find new values and a different sense of order as I gained another chance for life? What should I do? I felt helpless. I thought I would never be able to go back to my past.
The curtain of my past fell down, but there was no future for me.

I met one of my admirable senior students.
"Where can I find justice and truth?" I asked.
"Only history and time will let you know justice and truth,"he replied. He further shared his opinions about people-centered socialism specific to our nation. I could understand what he said, but I could not agree with him. I turned back.

"What the party determines, we will do."
How many lives have been sacrificed to honor this slogan? Where is the reality to compensate for their sacrifice, when mothers are eating their sons, when hundreds of beggars are dying, and when robbers and swindlers are swinging their arms and legs all around? I could not find the dignity of man anywhere. What the hell is 'the identity of justice' to which countless persons devoted their lives? What the hell is 'the identity of the society' established by the sacrifice of countless lives? What I needed was freedom and truth.

In August, 1997, I crossed the Duman River as Korean people did sixty years before to avoid the oppression of Japanese imperialism.

"In these troubles of life,
what are the things I have to do?
Even if I seek for wealth and prosperity,
and even if this desire is so urgent,
what is the use of homeless wealth and prosperity,
when I wander here and there, missing the blue sky and
bright moon of my homeland?"

I muttered this song sorrowfully. I was no better than a crow. Even before feeling safe when I crossed the river, I became worried about what I should do to live in the future. But before long, I was caught by the security personnel dispatched from North Korea and taken back to North Korea.

March 25,1998. I would never forget the date for the rest of my life. I was being sent by escort to North Korea on a truck with some other escapees. Our truck was running on an unpaved road in Samhap, accompanied by another escort truck boarded by Chinese officials who were to transfer us to North Korea. Samhap is a Chinese territory bordered by Hoyeryeong of North Korea, with the Duman River between the two territories. As the truck was getting closer to North Korea, we became more depressed. Two armed Chinese soldiers were pointing their automatic weapons at us.

As soon as we crossed the border into North Korea, the name of 'betrayer' or 'traitor' would follow us. We were all worried about what our fate would be at the very moment when we received such names. All of us became extremely strained and hardened. There were several children among us. There were tears in their eyes.
"How will they treat us?"
"Will they kill us?"

My heart seemed to be frozen. I was worried about their treatment. Worries remained even while the truck rattled. Haeyeong touched my hands tenderly.
"Can we meet again? I am afraid we will be treated harshly. Kang Hyeok, I really thank you for the things you have done for me," she said to me with a smile on her face. When I was thinking about my fate, she was thinking about our fate. She was remembering the days we had together in China. She stopped speaking for a moment and looked at me softly. Then, she continued.

"Lastly, I ask a favor of you. Please kiss me."
I was completely surprised. She asked me in a clear voice to kiss her under the situations that we were currently facing. We did not know what we were deemed to become and the Chinese soldiers were aiming at us with their guns. She asked me to kiss her even under the situation of being under arrest and in a closed nation where neither love nor life had any meaning.

Her eyes were tearing, but her face was smiling. Although our hands were bound by handcuffs, she knew that we would not be freer afterward than at that very moment. Perhaps she was carefully folding the memories of her life. With my hands bound with handcuffs behind my back, I kissed her. We were shedding tears, but smiling. How could we expect that it would be our last kiss? How could we expect that it would be an unforgivable crime of society? They beat us just because we smiled at each other, just because we swore our love, and just because we felt the pleasure of love in our heart, as if they were unforgivable acts of crime. These acts were extremely anti-social crimes in their eyes.

I met Haeyeong for the first time in China. When I entered a house to find a hiding place after crossing the Duman River, she was making a fire in the kitchen to boil down grains into taffy. She said nothing about North Korea. I did not doubt that she was a Chinese women of Korean ancestry. She looked ordinary and was a little short in height. The owner of the house, a Chinese of Korean ancestry, allowed me to stay there for the time being.

Since I had no special plan, I delayed leaving the house from day to day. Haeyeong seemed to know that I was North Korean, from the time that I came to the house. We began to speak to each other one month after I had come to the house. I told her about the situations of North Korea and what I had experienced there. She listened to me carefully. She also told me about herself little by little.

She told me that she had escaped from North Korea in March, 1997 when she was a student at Weonsan Teachers' Training College. Ever since then, she had stayed in the house doing work for the owner of the house. The owner's family made taffy for their living. It was by chance, or rather by fate, that I met her at the house. She gradually began to talk with me. We felt like brother and sister to each other after a while. When I decided to leave the house at last, she followed me. She would be safe with room and board if she stayed in the house. But she left the house without hesitation to follow me. She seemed to entrust her life to me.

We selected each other not in a world with a variety of options, but in an empty place where there was no one except us. We had no place to go, but our destination was with each other. After inquiring here and there secretly, I finally found a job at a factory in Yeonkil City. I came to work there as a boiler engineer. Haeyeong and I obtained a small one-room apartment for our nest. We were not so foolish as to break our peaceful mind by recalling the things of the past. Since we were holding pain and grief at the bottom of our mind from the previous years of our deadly experiences, our happiness was more precious. We were everything to each other. She liked poems and songs.

"Since the situations are troubled, even the flowers are shedding tears. Since our parting is regretful, even the birds are crying with pain."
Haeyeong habitually cited these lines of poetry. She told me that this poem was written one thousand years ago by a Chinese poet named Dubo. Anyway, how could I know that our fate was expressed in the poem?
It was March 10, 1998. I was on my way back from the office. I guess it was around eleven o'clock at night. An old woman approached me and asked me for some directions. I thought it would be difficult for her to find her way so late at night. I gave her 750 won and told her to take a taxi.
Before departing she said, "Listen to me, man. Cast three bowls of water to the east at nine o'clock every night. Then, you can avoid a misfortune that will come to you in a week."

Her accent was unfamiliar to me. It was a local accent with which I had never been in contact. She took a taxi and disappeared. I didn't pay much attention to her superstitious words. But a misfortune came to us exactly in a week. I left the office and reached near my apartment. I felt something wrong when I saw people surrounding a police car. I ran up to my apartment. When I reached the entrance of my apartment, Haeyeong was being taken out by Chinese policemen. She was in reddish-purple winter clothes. It was as if she was caught by a large trap of fate.

According to a neighbor, she was stopped and questioned by a policeman on the road near the apartment. Familiar neighbor residents worried about her, but they could not help her. She was forced into the police car. Hiding behind other persons, I was watching her all the way.

There was only one way left for me. When the police car was about to depart, I threw myself into the car. I selected to be arrested rather than to be parted from her.
Our free days together came to an end in this way. As illegal entrants, we could not even dream of freedom in a foreign country. Nevertheless, we were free for the eight months we had been together. It was a blessing to us. But now, our wings toward freedom were broken.

Our truck slowed down and stopped at last. We reached Hyaeryeong. We would be transferred, together with examination documents, to North Korea after a while. Dead silence reigned over us. Breaking the silence, they uncovered the truck. Sunlight flashed about us.
"Get off."
It was a hair-raising voice. North Korean security personnel were waiting for us, wearing black glasses and silk jackets. They looked like demons. Our native country was far from motherly warmness and love. We turned deadly pale with fear just at the entrance of our native country.

They made us kneel down and began to hit us with square bars, regardless of age and sex. Then, they took us to the Security Bureau. There were 28 captives in all. We were again kneeling down in the prison of the Security Bureau.
"Who is Kang Hyeok?" "Who is Lee Haeyeong?"
Consecutive questions were fired at us like bullets.
"I am Kang Hyeok," I replied unconsciously. When I put up my head, something hot passed before my eyes. A security member gave me a hard kick to my eyes. I lost consciousness. When I opened my eyes after a while, I found that my body had been kicked all over. They seemed to have continued kicking me even after I lost consciousness.

I looked around to find Haeyeong. She was lying down on the floor with her hair disheveled. Blood was flowing down from her mouth and nose. They abused us just because we had kissed each other. I felt my anger boiling up from inside. When I saw my sweet girl being hit and insulted in front of me, I promised myself that I would endure all kinds of violence and torture. I feared nothing anymore.

The more I was hit, the more blazing the fire of my anger was. We were hit again and again. I could endure it, but to see Haeyeong being hit was more than I could bear. I wanted to be hit instead of her. They always tormented her in front of me.
The Hyaeryeong Security Bureau added others to our group who had been caught after they attempted to cross the border into China. A few persons were taken to other regions. 128 persons in all were put in the prison of the Security Bureau. Haeyeong and I were also put in the prison cells. I in a male cell and her in a female cell respectively. All of the prison cells were underground. There were already seven people in the cell where I was put. Their face was as white as a sheet. I could see that they had been there for a long time without seeing sunlight.

Now, I would like to tell about Song Myeong Jun whom I met in the prison. I am using a pen name, because I would like to conceal myself until I am given freedom. But Song Myeong Jun is his real name. He was killed in an execution camp. He is not a man of this world. I hope that all persons under the sky will remember his name. This would be the only way of reviving Song Myeong Jun who was secretly killed in an execution camp. When I talked with him, I did not think that I would get out of the prison alive. Now that I am alive, I will try to take his spirit out of the lapse of memory.
He was a man of sincerity who put his thoughts into acts to tell about the tragedies and contradictions of North Korea. He led an anti-establishment organization until he was arrested.
He was in the prison for six months. He himself said that he would be put to death. It was common for the Security Bureau secretly to put their criminals to death. In particular, relating to the anti-establishment criminals, they kept the crime itself confidential. Song Myeongjun and I had many beliefs in common with each other. The difference was that he was arrested on a charge of anti-establishment activity while I was arrested on a charge of attempting to escape into China. It was in 1995 that he came to know the real state of affairs in North Korea. He told me about the things he had experienced before he was arrested. I am going to tell about his experiences instead of him.

He was a college student at that time. His home was in Pyeongyang, but he studied in another place. One day during the summer vacation, he came back to his home in Pyeongyang. He had dinner with his parents and wife, but his wife ate little. Her unpainted face looked pale. He guessed something had happened during his absence for six months. When they went to bed after dinner, he asked his wife what had happened. She replied.
"Don't you know what you did?"
She came into his arms with a smile on her face.
"What did I do?"
She said she was pregnant. He became very delighted. He held her in his arms, trying to shake off the worries following their happiness.

During the summer vacation, he closed his books and gathered firewood. Whenever he went to the mountains to gather firewood, his wife accompanied him. Although he and his parents told her to stay at home, his wife insisted on going with him.
"I will not work. I will just watch you gather firewood," she said.
The state of affairs was that even pregnant women had to gather firewood for their living.

Song Myeongjun and his family always had grass soup for dinner. His parents were sorry that their pregnant daughter-in law had nothing but grass soup to eat, and his wife was always sorry that she had nothing but grass soup to serve to her parents-in-law. His family was starving to death day to day.

He felt sorry to his parents and wife. He resented himself. He was pressed with the thought that he should give up his studies. He needed at least 3,000 won for a semester. Occasionally, his family could not eat even grass soup. The summer vacation ended. When he was preparing to go back to school, his wife handed him 4,000 won without saying a word. She sold her engagement gifts to raise the money.

Although he went back to school, he could not study with his thoughts about this and that. He gave up his studies and returned home again. He could not rely on his family any more for his studies. When his parents were told that he had given up his studies, they resented their own inability. In a few days, his parents became sick, perhaps with worries, and were bed-ridden.

Even though Myeongjun gave up his studies, nothing had changed. On the contrary, the circumstances were getting worse and worse. All the facilities in the country became paralyzed. It had been a long time since food distribution had stopped. All functions of the country concerned with electricity, water supply, railway, transportation, coal-mining industry, health care, communications, and education became extinct. Under the stop of all social functions, however, people were moving. They had to earn even ten won to stay alive. Hence, they should struggle with all their energy not to be caught by death. To be alive in the country was more than a matter of existence. It was a pitiful struggle for the victory of survival.

As in all other families in North Korea, diseases followed starvation. His parents died and his wife became sick in bed. He sold all kinds of household furniture. He and his wife managed to live out the winter of the year. Sooner or later, swallows would come back from the south of the Yangtze and the blades of grass would spring up from the ground to save their lives from starvation. In a month, a baby would be born to give smiles like a flower to his family. When he encouraged his wife by saying that they would sing a cradlesong before long, his haggard wife grasped his hands and smiled.

One day, he was coming back home from the mountain with firewood on his back, and he found a dead crow on the way. He took it without hesitation, or rather with pleasure, to give it to his haggard wife for food. He hastened to his home. When he arrived at home, he got an ominous premonition. He rushed into the room and found that his wife had fainted. She was breathing hard. He took her on his back and ran two kilometers to a hospital. When he reached the hospital, she was not breathing any more.
"Doctor, please save my wife"
He pleaded, sobbing and wailing. She was firmly holding his ID card in her fist. He shed bitter tears. She seemed as if she would get up immediately with a smile on her face.

There was no one left in the house any more. He fell down in the room as if he was hit on the head by something. He had neither vigor nor any reason to stand up.
At the end of his despair, he desired to know why his parents and pregnant wife had to starve to death. He wanted to know the identity of the desperate world where he was living. He started on a wondering journey. He came to realize the truth of the society. He came to realize that the ideology and policies of North Korea were false. Wherever he went, there were unfortunate persons like him. He formed a secret organization with them to resist the communist party. He was often face to face with death in the course of expanding his underground organization.

But he could not be a match for the iron-like government authority. On August 9, 1997, he was arrested together with his members by the Hyaeryeong Security Bureau.
"We must build up our paradise by ourselves."
"Other persons will not build up our paradise for us."
"We must move and act!"
He left me these words and gave me a warm and deep gaze while being taken out of the cell to the execution ground. I remember that he did not lose his fortitude even in the underground prison. He was a true warrior who sacrificed himself to save persons from starvation. I cannot forget his pure face and eyes when he said we should build up our paradise by ourselves.

"Caw, caw"
The sound of a crow was heard from outside. One morning in the prison, twenty seven persons including me were selected from those who crossed the border into China. We were put on a truck. The truck ran along a meandering steep mountain road into a valley. At last, we arrived at a low hill in the valley.

As soon as we were taken down from the truck, we shuddered at the cold feeling of death. Three reddish holes dug in the ground were opening their mouth wide. They seemed to have dug the holes just a moment ago because there were muddy shovels and picks here and there. The executors were wearing black glasses and white gloves. Their killing devices were shining on their shoulders. The security personnel were glaring at us, smoking. They were bloodthirsty. Cold silence reigned over us for a little moment.
A security member came forward resolutely, throwing away his cigarette. Even the unknown trees seemed to be shuddering at his irresistible cold force. The world itself held its breath. Just a drop of a needle would have sounded like thunder. The security member broke the suffocating silence at last.

"If you are called, come forward"
Who would be the first? I trembled all over. I became absent-minded with the fear of death in my face. I could not feel the lapse of time. When the three men had been called out, I unconsciously heaved a sign of relief. It seemed that a bloody smell was first. One of the three stood with his back toward a rock wall. The executors assumed their firing posture.
"Tang, Tang"
Two gunshots were heard as if they were striking his skull. My closed eyes could see the moment between life and death like a nightmare. The bullets passed through the man's chest and forehead. He learned forward, showing a gesture of shaking off something. The sound of the shots lingered over the dead body.

The second man also received two shots, one in the chest and another in the belly. He gripped his belly and stepped back about one meter. Then he put up his head and glared at the executors who shot him, clenching his teeth. He finally sank to the ground, which was covered with snow. The moment seemed to be eternal, but the inexpressible and cruel image fell down. It actually took no longer than two seconds. Blood was flowing down and spreading into the snow around the dead body.

The third man lost his senses, relying on the rock wall. The security person approached him like a wildcat, smiling. He held his pistol against the man's head and pulled the trigger. Then, he fired at random on the man's body. Whenever a bullet was shot into his body, I could see clearly that his flesh was trembling.

The terrible silence came back again. We caught our breath. Perhaps no one among us could remain sane in face of the execution. No one among us could forget the cruel image as well. The three executed men had escaped from North Korea and tried to go to South Korea. They tried to enter the South Korean Consulate General in China, but they were rejected. Then they were arrested by the North Korean special personnel. They escaped to seek freedom, but they were finally killed in the valley covered with snow.

As a matter of fact, crossing the border into China was itself an ideological and political crime. North Korea propagates to its people that South Korea is a colony of the United States of America and that South Korea is full of beggars. All of the people believe this. If they cross the border, they naturally come to know that this is not true. Knowing the truth itself means anti-establishment. This is why the North Korean Security Bureau treats the persons who have crossed the border into China and had contact with South Korean people as spies.

Having contact with South Korean people in China is regarded as having contact with the South Korean Security Bureau because North Korea identifies all South Korean persons in China as members of the South Korean Security Bureau. For this reason, having contact with South Korean persons was regarded as the worst crime of all. As it were, it directly leads to death.

I met a Korean student by chance in China after crossing the border. Haeyeong knew the fact as well. We had to cover this fact to save our lives. Otherwise, we would be killed. Soon after we were arrested in China by the Chinese Security Personnel, we secretly promised that we would cover this fact at any price. If one of us uncovered the fact by mistake, both of us would be killed immediately.

Again, the security personnel broke the silence.
"Collect yourself and listen to me carefully. Reply frankly to what I ask. Understand?"
The security personnel took up the list of the persons who crossed the border into China.
"Kang Hyeok!"
I stopped breathing. My eyes stopped moving. Everything stopped moving at the moment. Then, my body began to tremble. I could not believe that I was walking forward. He began to ask me questions. I replied unconsciously.
"O.K. you stand there. If it turns out that you said a lie, you will be immediately killed like a dog."
I got through the first inquiries anyway. Haeyeong also got through the inquiries and stood beside me. It was after a long while that I found my trousers were wet.

Leaving the three dead bodies behind us, we were taken back to the prison of the Hyaeryeong Security Bureau. Haeyeong was sitting beside me on the truck. She uttered moans of pain without ceasing. She was sick with fever. What's next? No one could know what would come to us in the following day. All investigations and executions under control of the Security Bureau were kept firmly confidential.

It was on March 27 that the preliminary investigation began. The security personnel bombarded Haeyeong and me with keen, razor-like inquiries. Sometimes they persuaded us with sweet words. Sometimes they made us vomit everything in our system as if they were inclined to take out even the milk that we had had in our childhood. But we had nothing to expel any more, except the fact that we had crossed the border. We did not, and had no intention to, betray our native country. They repeated their questions one hundred times, and we repeated our replies one hundred times, the same replies to the same questions.

We were put into separate cells and told to make statements. They told us to make statements even about what we did at night in China. They compared my statements with hers and told us to re-make our statements. We re-made our statements again and again for three days.

But the result was the same. Haeyeong and I had not any information on South Korean persons or the South Korean Security Bureau that would satisfy the investigators. Except that we covered the fact of my having met a South Korean student in China, we had nothing to worry about. Haeyeong and I did not show any difference in our replies to their persistent and repeated leading questions. But they did not step back. The examination continued for six days, but they did not give any reply as to what they wanted. They began to torture us at last. Various kinds of torture were waiting for us. If Haeyeong uncovered the fact of my having met a South Korean student, she could get out alive. But she did not. Instead, she was selected to be submitted to deadly forms of torture.

They ordered me to bend my back tight, just like the back of a camel, with my head on the ground. Then, they beat me severely with square bars. They called it 'camel torture'
"You met a South Korean person, didn't you?"
I denied. They hit me again. Torture continued day after day. Whenever I was taken to the torture cell, the chains connected to the handcuffs on my hands rattled and I trembled all over. The most terrible period was two or three minutes before the torture began. Once torture began, my body was more at ease and I felt rather complacent. When my senses became dull, I did not feel any pain.

Another day, the director of the Security Bureau took Haeyeong and me to the torture cell. Four sturdy torture experts were waiting for us in the torture cell, about five square meters in size.
"Don't even dream of getting out of here alive," said the director, lighting his cigarette slowly. My hands were fastened on a wooden frame. The director seared my fingernails with his cigarette. I screamed with pain. I looked down at my burnt fingernails and cried in tears. The torture experts were searing Haeyeong's thin legs with their cigarettes. She writhed in agony.
"Take off your clothes!"
We took off our clothes, except our underwear. They heaped cruel abuse on us and tore our panties with a knife. Haeyeong crouched down, covering her breasts with both hands. The four torture experts began to beat me all over my body. They called this torture 'baseball game.' Bathed with blood, I lost consciousness.

After a long while, I felt someone grasping my hand warmly. I opened my eyes. My head was put on Haeyeong's knees. She was holding one of my hands in hers as if it were a valuable thing.
"Why is it so quiet?"
"I don't know. When I collected myself, I found no one around except for us. Kang Hyeok, you did a good job. You are really strong."

It appeared that she had also lost consciousness at the end of the 'baseball game'. Her body was covered with a lot of bruises. How can I express the pain she suffered as a helpless woman? We hugged each other and shed tears.
The security officers came in again. It appeared that they took a rest until we regained consciousness. They fastened me on a board and connected an electric wire to my buttocks in a skilled way. One of them grasped her hair covered with clotted blood, and turned her head toward me.

"Look at the son of bitch with your eyes wide open!" he said.
With an electric sound, my body rose up instantly and fell down again due to the rope that had been fastened to my legs and arms. These successive movements were repeated several times. I was like a trampled earthworm. I felt hazy and slack like a dried cabbage. Then, I lost consciousness.

I felt myself seized by something. I opened my eyes. The security officers were pouring water on me. I sat up relying on a chair, and found that Haeyeong was lying senseless. They were not human beings, but cruel animals. I cannot explain how they humiliated Haeyeong in front of me.

Even through the terrible tortures, they could not hear from us what they wanted. They tried to force statements out of Haeyeong and I, but their terrible forms of torture accomplished nothing and made no difference in our replies. At last, we were transferred to the Hyaeryeong Safety Bureau prison. This was not only because they had no more things to hear from us, but also because the Security Bureau prison became full of those persons who were caught after they crossed the border. We did not expect that we could get out alive from the Security Bureau prison. Although we were transferred to another prison, we were alive anyway.

We, sixty eight persons in all, reached the Hyaeryeong Safety Bureau prison, singing the songs such as 'My country is the best' and 'Let's protect socialism'. The prison had twelve semi-underground buildings. We again received a complete physical examination. Regardless of sex, we took off all of our clothes, even our underwear. Male safety officers examined even the bodies of women. They did not treat us as human beings.

"You are not man any more. You will be called by number, not by name. The only words you can say are 'I understand, Sir', 'I am sorry, Sir', and 'I will correct, Sir'. Do you understand?" said one of the prison officers.

It was early April. I could see through the bars of the semi-underground cell that the apricot trees were putting forth new shoots. Spring was coming in. But it was still cold in the prison. More and more prisoners were taken out dead.

One day, Haeyeong was told to wipe the windows in front of my cell. I saw her for the first time in several days. She became very haggard. Looking at me, she dropped tears without saying a word. She was moving busily with water baskets and dust clothes in front of the cell. She seemed to look for some chance. When the prison officer went to the toilet, she threw a vinyl bag into my cell. The bag contained a lump of boiled rice and two candies.

I felt happy not just because she gave me the food, but because she had protected me without bending to any kind of torture. There was nothing more shining than her spirit. Neither wealth nor prosperity nor any kind of rich food could be better than her love. Her love was stronger than the sword. I felt something hot inside.

We were lucky in the Hyaeryeong Safety Bureau. When I was taken to the torture room for the first time after I was transferred to the Hyaeryeong Safety Bureau, the safety officer in charge of investigation gave me seven lumps of bread. He told me to eat them. But I could not because of the fear that he might beat my back head when I was about to eat them. I was trembling. He looked at me sympathetically.
"You should not have crossed the border into China," he said gently.

He asked me about the situations of China. I did not know how I should reply. But he seemed to already know about China. He listened to me carefully, nodding sometimes. He heaved a sigh and told me again to eat the bread. I became relieved and ate the bread. He gave me the vigor to get through prison life. We were in the prison for forty days. For the duration, death always lingered around us as if it was the most friendly acquaintance of us.

It was the 29th morning of April, 1998. The prison officer shouted urgently.
"If you are called, come out"
Haeyeong was also called out. Among the sixty-eight people transferred from the Hyaeryeong Security Bureau prison, thirty-four persons were called out. The other thirty-four persons already died during the forty-day imprisonment. Although we thirty-four persons were still alive, we were also classified as dead. My weight was seventy-five kilograms in China, but it reduced to forty-two kilograms in the prison. Being alive itself was a miracle to us. Day after day, our physical strength became more and more weakened.

According to them, the election of the Highest People's Committee members was scheduled for July, 1998. It was the first election after Kim Il Seong died. Kim Jeong Il instructed us to check the resident registration of all of the inhabitants in North Korea. They had to check voters for the election. We prisoners were also included in the electorates. We were to be transferred to another safety organization. It meant that we had escaped the chair. We felt a strand of hope that we still might be alive and continue to live.

It was ten a.m. All procedures for transference were completed. We were bound up and boarded on two trucks. Our destination was the Cheongjin Labor-Training Place of the Hamkyungbuk-do Safety Bureau. Armed security officers were also boarded on the trucks to keep watch over us. The trucks ran along the Duman River. It was around one p.m. The trucks stopped on the way. The security officers got off the trucks to eat lunch. After a while, we heard noisy sounds. One of the prisoners unbound himself during the loose watch. He was running away with all his energy. He ran into the Duman River to cross the river into China. He could not swim fast because of the force of the flowing water. The security officers began to fire at him. He went under water and never came up.

We reached the Cheongjin Labor Training Place at nine p.m.
" Rebuild your ideology through high intensity of labor. This is the demand of the party," said the chief director of the Cheongjin Labor Training Place. There was no difference between the prison and the labor training place. They curdled our blood and cut at our flesh during disciplinary punishment in the prison, while they drained out the will from our bones through high intensity of labor and Spartan training.

A little while after we were transferred to the labor-training place, I was appointed to be the leader of the prisoners. Perhaps it was because I was a little bigger than the other prisoners. Haeyeong waited for me every morning in front of the dining hall. The female prisoners ate earlier than the male prisoners. After eating, she always waited for me and gave me a lump of boiled rice wrapped in a vinyl bag. I rebuked her at first, but it was no use. I could not resist her any more when I saw her ardent eyes. It was the irresistible force of love. Perhaps she could not endure the prison life without expressing her love in such a way. Whenever she saw me, she was smiling. She was not in a prison. She was together with me.

It was around the middle of July. We were mobilized to gather firewood for the Safety Bureau of the province. Twenty prisoners including me were taken to a deep mountain to gather firewood. Although we were selected because we were comparatively healthy among the prisoners, it was very difficult for us to bring logs along the steep mountain hills. We were always exposed to dangers.

When I came back a week later from the mobilization, I could not see Haeyeong. Since we were not allowed to speak to one another, I could not publicly ask someone where she was. Four days passed. On the fifth day, I gave a case of cigarettes to the guard man. He was also a prisoner.
"Did something special happen during my absence? How many prisoners died?" I asked with an air of indifference. He also replied with an air of indifference. He said that four women and one man died during my absence. At that moment, I felt a sudden fear. I became impatient, but I could not ask directly about '326'. It was Haeyeong's prisoner number. On some pretext, I went to the dining hall. I pretended to count the number of prisoners to be supplied with food for the day. I checked the register carefully, but I could not find Haeyeong's number.

I came back to the guard man and asked him, again with an air of indifference.
"Where were they buried?"
"In the mountain at the back of this labor training place"
"What a pity for men. Since four women died, four men lost their partners", I said jokingly.
"There are women all around. What is the worry?", he replied.
"Was there any beautiful woman?"
"Well, I thought one woman among them was really beautiful. She is one of the 4-29 group members who came here with you (They called us the '4-29 group' because we came here on April 29). She was in purplish winter clothes"
I did not need to ask any more. She was Haeyeong. When we were arrested in China, she was in the very same clothes. I lost consciousness.

I opened my eyes. I could not know how long a time had passed. Someone was putting rice gruel into my mouth. He was Myengseon. He was a 41 year old guard. I shed tears.
"Stop crying. There is no use in crying. You have to go out alive. I know well how you feel." He grasped my hands warmly and continued.
"If you die, who will understand our circumstances? Be sure to go out alive and publicize our terrible circumstances to the world."
All that I loved was gone. The only thing left with me was hatred that was as black as ashes. The strength of hatred made me stand up. I was revived with malice in my heart.

North Korea drove sane persons into madness. Those persons who have not experienced the actual state of affairs in North Korea may not believe this fact. How can they understand it? But it is true.

July 1 was set as the date of the election. They propagated the election through June. To mobilize us at the election, the safety officers classified us by the place of our birth. Thirteen persons in all were called out from the 4-29 group. My number was called last in the group. No one was left behind me. The 128 persons who were arrested for the reason of having crossed the border and put in the Hyaeryeong Security Bureau prison were reduced to thirty-four by the time they were transferred from the Haeryeong Safety Bureau prison to the Cheongjin Labor-Training Place, and then to thirteen while in the Chungjin Labor-Training Place, which was for just 60 days. It meant that most of the other 115 persons died.

Among the twenty-eight persons heading for Hamkyungnam-do, there were three members of the 4-29 group including me. Handcuffs were put on us. The iron door of the labor-training place was opened. We reached the Cheongjin Station to take the train for Hamheong. It took three days by train to reach Hamheong. We did not drink even a drop of water during the journey. Travelers on the train looked at us as if we were animals.

It was on July 28 that I was released due to a disease. The election date was July 26. I came back to my empty house almost a year later. But even if I would recover from my disease, I would be taken back to prison again. I heard that Kim Jeong Il had given secret instructions to kill the persons who crossed the border in an attempt to enter into China. The only way to live was to run away. I raised 3,000 won by selling my house. I saw my mother in a dream.
"All of the obstacles have been removed. Open your wings and fly where you want."

It was August 1. The day came at last. I went to Nakweon-gun by car. The first destination was the fisheries establishment on the beach of Nakweon City. I intended to take a boat there and go to Cheongjin. It was dark at night. I reached the wharf and hid myself in a case of fish on a conveyor. The bag was moved onto a boat. I reached Cheongjin on the boat. It was a miracle. I went from Cheongjin to Musan by train and walked eight kilometers from Musan to Samjang. It was around midnight when I reached Samjang.

I hid myself on a mountain in Samjang. I could see the Duman River and a guard post below the mountain. Two sentries were sitting at the guard post. I waited for a chance.
It began to rain in torrents around one a.m. The sentries, perhaps uncomfortable in the pounding rain, moved to another place. It was the second miracle. I came down from the mountain and put my feet into the water. The current was very swift, and it was difficult to control my body. I crossed the river fearing for my life.

After crossing the river, I went into a Chinese house. The owner was a Christian and he tried to help me. But he could not hide me without making a plan. He asked me if I had any acquaintance there. I remembered a Chinese person whom I had met during my first escape. I also remembered his radiophone number. The Chinese person said that he usually turned off his radiophone at night. But he slept that night with the phone turned on. The ringing sound of the phone woke him up. It was the third miracle. It was August 3, 1993, and a new day was breaking.